


you don't believe what you don't see

by jasonsmclean



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, and cry, and then it got sad, but take it anyways, dark!Jason Grace, literally just wanted dark jason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 03:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17931920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasonsmclean/pseuds/jasonsmclean
Summary: Jason has been in an army since he was two years old, even when he never met his father. But he kept the faith. And what did he get for it? A dead best friend. A breakup. PTSD. Was it worth it to have been a faithful servant? Or would it have been better to just curse Jupiter’s name from the beginning? Where was Jupiter throughout all of Jason’s suffering and pain? He was winning a beat with Gaea. Makes Jason wonder where he is through all the unfairness, inequity, and cruelness in the world. Where is he now?dark!Jason AU





	you don't believe what you don't see

**Author's Note:**

> Song to listen to: Shadowboxing by Julien Baker
> 
> **I know that you don't understand  
>  'Cause you don't believe what you don't see  
> When you watch me throwing punches at the devil  
> It just looks like I'm fighting with me **

Hero. According to Oxford Dictionary, a hero is _a person who is admired for their courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities._

Jason used to think he was a hero. Key word: used. It’s hard to be labeled a hero, a savior, when the only reason he has to be a hero refuses to admire him. Or admire any of his friends, for that matter.

He stops thinking of himself as a hero when Leo dies. As he tries to pick up the pieces that he had given up to save the world, he thinks long and hard about the consequences being a savior requires. For one, his best friend is dead, having sacrificed everything to save the gods and now where are the gods? Gone. Silent. The Greeks always seem to have better luck at attracting their parents than the Romans. Back at Camp Jupiter, Jason had accepted the fact that he would probably never meet his dad. But now that he chose Zeus as his legacy, there had been a tiny, flickering hope that the king of the gods would make an effort. Thalia had met him several times, after all.

It seems silly now— they are gods. They have better things to do than speak to their children. Even if these children are the reason the gods weren’t overthrown.

 _Children._ They are kids. Kids who didn’t deserve to fight a hopeless, ruthless war in the first place. Most sixteen year olds are concerned with driving tests, school, and their social lives. Jason is more concerned about living to see another day. He wishes he can focus on trivial things like schoolwork and prom.

Instead he has to watch Leo’s corpseless shroud burn and swallow back the sinking guilt that it should’ve been him. _To storm or fire, the world must fall._ It had to be fire.

The nights he used to spend sleeping soundly in Cabin One are replaced with restless tossing and turning, the occasional smell of burning ozone overcoming his senses as he accidentally summons lightning. Each time it strikes, the light flickers off Hippie Zeus’s face.

He ends up switching bunks to hide from the statue.

When he does sleep, his dreams are plagued with the ghost of Leo’s last smile, his parting words as Festus releases them. He can still hear Piper screaming and as the sky explodes into golden light, he wakes up. Even though it’s the same haunting dream, he wakes up covered in sweat, the hairs on his arms standing straight up, a dead giveaway that he was summoning lightning. If the other campers woke up to the thunder, no one said anything. Even Piper doesn’t speak up about it; then again, she has her own demons reflecting in her eyes, so she’s not in the place to be monitoring Jason’s wellbeing when she has her own to maintain.

As Jason struggles with grief, he wonders briefly if the gods grieved. Could they truly grieve for someone who is not immortal? There are the myths of gods falling in love with mortals and when the mortals came to their fateful end, they would hurt but encapsulate them in nature. (Apollo and his damn trees.) But did gods grieve? Did the gods care that Leo was gone? Was Hephaestus sitting in his workshop, thinking about the son he hardly knew? Did he care that Leo died for his sake?

Jason doesn’t think so. Demigods die all the time and the gods stay silent. Shrouds were burnt yet there was no visit. No change in weather. He thinks back during the fight on Mount Othrys the previous summer, how many shrouds he saw burning. Not a single god appeared at the burials. Some soldiers in the Legion wept. The Romans rightfully grieved. But the gods, their parents, stayed silent. Warriors die for the gods yet the immortals never even bat an eye in response. They care about themselves and themselves only— they could always have more children. But there would never be another Olympian to take their place. (They don’t want what happened with Kronos and Zeus to happen to them.)

But this is not how Jason wants to think. He’s a son of Jupiter, consul to demigods, former praetor, now Pontifex Maximus. He has lived nearly his entire life with a tattoo on his arm, knowing his parentage. Sometimes he wonders if there’s anything else to him other than the fact that he’s half-god. This is his identity, his everything. If he doubts the gods, he’s inadvertently doubting himself. He doesn’t want to think this way. He doesn’t want to be bitter. Even though the gods have not repaid him in any way, he was given the greatest gifts from the gods: his sister, his friends, and his girlfriend. He would never give up the people in his life for anything, not even for a shot of normalcy. He would continue to serve the gods if it meant he could keep his people.

Even though he swallowed the negativity, he still couldn’t fight the disdain he had for the immortals. What did the gods ever do to benefit him? Juno took him from his family at two years old. He was raised by wolves and then forced into an army as a toddler. A tattoo was seared onto his skin when he should have been in his mother’s protective hug. Instead his mother was hugging a bottle and he was being taught to hold a sword. His sister assumed he was dead as he made his way through the ranks, completing quests in the name of his father and the Olympians. Just as he started to accept his role as praetor, his memories were wiped and he was sent away, his life again being gambled at Juno’s hand. He should have been worried about growing up and driving lessons but instead he gets stabbed in the back and watches as his best friend vanishes in an explosion of light.

If this is the life the gods have condemned him to, why should he serve them? He owes them nothing.

Even when Leo sends back the video that confirms that he is alive, Jason still finds himself to be at a loss. He’s overjoyed, of course, but Leo didn’t have to die in the first place if not for the gods. If the Olympians fought their own wars instead of depending on their children to do so, nobody would have had to suffer. He’s inexplicably angry and he carries this weight around a little heavier than most of the things he’s had to burden. Piper searches for Leo and Jason comes along for the ride. He doesn’t want to tell her what he thinks: _If Leo wants to see us, he will come back. He obviously doesn’t want to be found._ But Piper still searches and even though she tries to stay quiet, Jason hears her crying at night. He wants to hold her tight and make the pain stop, yet he can’t force himself to comfort her when he can’t even comfort himself.

When Chiron assures them that Leo will return when he wants to, Piper finally gives up searching. The promise of school and living a decently normal life is what Jason thinks he needs. For the first time in his life, he’s going to be attending a real school with average people. The thought of normalcy makes him smile and for the first time in months, he sleeps soundly through the night.

For a few months, everything is picture perfect. He thinks that this is what happiness is; an arm thrown around Piper’s shoulders, kisses before homeroom, study sessions that end with her head in his lap, her eyes shut as she sleeps. _This_ is the life Jason has yearned for.

The only time he feels out of place is when he sits down and designs the temples for the gods. Normal teenage boys don’t design temples for Greek gods. He halfheartedly finishes the blueprints before shoving them aside and opting to spend time with his girlfriend again.

But as fate has it, this bubble of normalcy doesn’t last.

Tristan McLean’s fortune starts running out and he’s unable to land any acting gigs. When the truth escapes that Caligula, an old Roman emperor, is behind this, Jason is filled with rage again. Where were the gods now? Roman emperors are running around, trouble arising again, and the gods remain silent.

Piper’s life is spiraling. Jason can see it. She’s restless at night again, sneaking out of her room to go sleep with him. She’s shaky and although she doesn’t curse the gods as he does, she fears for her dad. _He doesn’t deserve this,_ she would murmur as he wiped away her tears. _None of this is fair._

Jason is certain that there’s no chance at gaining normalcy again. Well, his new normalcy of pretending to be a regular teenager. He hasn’t gotten a kiss before homeroom in weeks and he doesn’t put an arm around Piper’s shoulders as they navigate through the hallways; she won’t even hold his hand as they walk to class. She also doesn’t sneak into his room at night and he tries to convince himself she just needs time to accept that Caligula ruined her father’s reputation.

But she comes into his room one night and she’s not smiling and that’s when he knows something is wrong.

“Finish calculus?” she asks lightly as she sits on the edge of his bed, her eyes flickering to his desk.

“No. I was working on another temple.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, unable to ignore how the tension in the room is so thick that he could cut it with a knife. He decides that he can’t handle waiting for the worst to come, so he cuts straight to the point. “What’s going on, Piper?”

“Can’t I come to say hi?”

“You never come in just to ask if I’ve finished my homework.”

When she averts her eyes, he knows she’s silently acknowledging that he’s right. She chews on her bottom lip and he wishes that this was a different situation so he can reach forward and soothe out her lip with his thumb.

“These past few weeks have been rough,” she says slowly, looking down at her hands instead. “You know, with my dad and stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“And you’ve been so great. Without you, I’m not sure I’d be holding myself together as well as I am.”

“Just doing my job.” His voice sounds detached because he knows this is a loaded observation.

Her eyes are filling up with tears as she locks eyes with him again. She tries for a smile but her bottom lip is trembling too much for her to give him a proper grin. “You don’t have to do your job anymore,” she murmurs gently, her voice shaking.

He lets her sentence hang in the air for a few agonizing moments before asking, “What do you mean?”

Jason’s not an idiot. He knows what she means, but she needs to say it for it to truly sink in.

She exhales heavily and the noise catches in her throat. “I have to focus on my dad now,” she explains shakily. “And you… You have your own problems that you need to fix. We need to heal and we can’t do that together. We have to do it alone.”

 _Alone._ The word echoes throughout his thoughts and he doesn’t want to admit how much the thought of being by himself scares him. She’s been his rock for a year now and not being with her makes his chest tighten. But he can’t force her to stay in a relationship if she can’t heal.

“Okay.” He isn’t sure how he manages to keep his voice steady when his entire world is crumbling down around him.

“This was built from the Mist. We need to grow as individuals before we progress.” She wipes her face but the tears are relentless. “Maybe in the future, we can try again.”

But a future for demigods is never promised. Especially for people like Piper who would charge into battle without a weapon to save the world. Even if they wanted to reconcile in the future, there’s no telling what horrible enemy could tear them apart before they find their way back to each other. Jason doesn’t vocalize this, though; she’s already terrified of the dark streak that’s formed in him since they defeated Gaea. So instead he just nods numbly and allows her to squeeze his fingertips with a tearful smile.

That time the next week, he’s moving his things from the McLeans’ house to a small boarding school dorm.

He doesn’t want to think about how he isn’t with Piper anymore. The breakup in itself was difficult enough and she cries while saying goodbye to him. Now he’s alone, sitting in an uncomfortable chair and staring at the suitcase on his bed that he doesn’t want to unpack. Unpacking and settling into this foreign room gives into the fact that his relationship is truly over.

Piper was the last thing he had left. He hasn’t seen Thalia in months, Leo is still off doing gods knows what, his mom was reduced to a mania, his friends are living their own lives, and now Jason is alone in a dorm room. Piper is the one thing from the gods that he had faith in. And even she didn’t stick around.

Even though he had been certain that he never wanted to help the gods again, the breakup is the final nail in the coffin.

His eyes settle on the blueprints on his desk and he’s filled with an overwhelming sense of betrayal. He’s saved the world from two greater evils and _this_ is how the gods repay him? By screwing up his life? By causing his girlfriend to break up with him?

Without thinking things through, he collects the blueprints in his arms and heads out the door. He makes his way to the edge of campus to a spot he’s certain no one will come looking for him. He dumps the blueprints into a small pile and allows electricity to run through his veins. Summoning lightning has never been his strong suit, but he has no trouble conducting it now. He holds out two fingers and the blueprints catch fire with the sudden electric shock.

Months of hard work are engulfed in flames. He stands and watches as the flames reduce the blueprints to ash, a small column of smoke billowing into the air. The sight almost makes him want to smile but he’s too hurt to do so. He can almost hear the gods laughing at him, mocking his misery as the progress he’s made disappears right before his eyes.

Jason has been in an army since he was two years old, even when he never met his father. But he kept the faith. And what did he get for it? A dead best friend. A breakup. PTSD. Was it worth it to have been a faithful servant? Or would it have been better to just curse Jupiter’s name from the beginning? Where was Jupiter throughout all of Jason’s suffering and pain? He was winning a beat with Gaea. Makes Jason wonder where he is through all the unfairness, inequity, and cruelness in the world. Where is he now?

If Jason hadn’t decided to stop working for the gods prior to this, he would decide to do so now. He hates them. He wishes they had died instead of Leo. Maybe then he would be okay.

* * *

 Boarding school becomes Jason’s new normal. This normal is different than any other lifestyle he’s maintained and it’s hard. He joins the lacrosse team and makes friends and tries to adapt. But the kids his age are concerned with driving and their parents and trivial things that make him wonder if this is the life he’s doomed to live. How do Percy and Annabeth manage to adjust to school after months of trying to stay alive? The dyslexia that made it so much easier to read Latin jumble words together when he’s trying to read _Hamlet_ and the ADHD that kept him moving in battle makes sitting through Calculus a new hell.

Normal kids have dyslexia and ADHD, but none of them have it because their dad is a god. Jason wants to curse out Jupiter every time he opens up a textbook.

The dyslexia and ADHD isn’t the worst part of school, though. There are the monsters that continue to make his life miserable. It’s almost a nuisance at this point when another student or substitute teacher morphs into a monster and he has to swipe his sword through them. None of them put up much of a struggle, anyway. He almost wishes they do so he can really fight back. Maybe if he has to actually try to kill them, he’ll feel alive. Maybe he’ll imagine that instead of a monster, he’s fighting a god. It’s what they deserve for making him suffer.

He doesn’t even want to help the gods anymore, so why are the monsters still after him? He’s vowed to never help Olympus again. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t sided with evil; do the monsters still attack those who don’t choose a side? Whatever the reason, he’s tired of fighting back monsters who don’t give him trouble.

When the Labyrinth is discovered to be open again, Jason finds himself entering with Piper. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since the breakup so it’s definitely awkward, but being with her as they delve into the darkness brings him a familiar sense of comfort. The task at hand, however, does not comfort him; usually he feels determined, but now all he can feel is dread and bitterness. This is not the life he wants anymore. He doesn’t want to dwell on the possibility of dying for the gods again. But here he is, beside the girl he loves yet isn’t with, the same worried look reflected on her face because they both thought Gaea’s defeat would be the last time they had to mull over the possibility of dying in the midst of a hopeless war again. And even though they hadn’t declared war, Jason knows that this situation is unfolding into— evil Roman emperors meant war.

And when Jason finds himself in front of the trapped Sybil and he’s warned that if they try to enter the maze again, either he or Piper will die, he finds himself hating the gods even more than he had before.

What is he supposed to tell Piper? As he fights to find his escape from the Labyrinth, he struggles to find an answer. She’s bound to ask what he encountered while they were separated and she’s certainly more than capable of handling the truth, but can _he_ handle it? She would be willing to risk her life all over again for the gods. Her best friend died to save their parents and she still would give up everything to appease the gods. He can still remember the wild look in her eyes as she stood, surrounded by giants, risking her life to defeat her enemies. He also remembers when he was willing to do the same. He knows it’s only a matter of time before Apollo appears and asks for their help. Piper will help, this he knows.

Here he is, risking everything to find the heart of the maze, and the gods are silent, sitting idly somewhere and twiddling their thumbs because _thank gods it’s our children and not us._

Never again would Jason appease the gods. Not when his or Piper’s life is on the line.

As Jason sees sunlight and stumbles from the Labyrinth, he hears Piper’s relieved gasp and arms wrap around him. He squeezes her, relief expanding in his chest because she’s here, she’s alive, she didn’t die when they were separated. He doesn’t realize his hands are shaking until she’s holding them. The gesture should make him flinch away considering they aren’t even dating anymore, but he accepts the touch. It calms him down.

“Jason?” Her voice is laced with worry, dirt streaked on her cheek. “What happened? What did you find?”

“I didn’t find anything.”

Piper doesn’t look convinced. “Jason, you look as though you’ve seen a ghost. You must have seen _something._ ”

“No, I didn’t see anything. I found nothing. It’s just too difficult to navigate, Pipes. We can’t go back in there. I’m getting a bad vibe from it.”

“We’ve done more dangerous things before. We defeated Gaea. We can go back in, we have to—”

“No, Piper.” There’s an edge to Jason’s voice that surprises even him. Her eyes widen and she looks taken aback. “I said it was too dangerous.”

“What did you find?” she repeats quietly. There’s no hint of charmspeak in her voice; she would never coerce information from him, this he knows, but the way she speaks and the worried look in her eyes almost makes him confess. Almost.

“I told you, I didn’t find anything. We can’t find our way through, it’s too dangerous,” he insists. He’s definitely not the greatest liar, plus she can see right through him, but he can’t tell her the truth. Losing her is too painful to imagine.

“Jason—”

“I can’t help the gods anymore,” he blurts out. He notices the shock on her features so he continues to speak. “What have they done for us, Pipes? They’ve done nothing and look at your dad. Look at us. We defeated Gaea and were promised peace, remember? But here we are, trekking through a maze that was supposed to be destroyed. We’re the gods’ toys. I can’t keep serving the gods when they let us die for them. It’s not fair.”

She looks horrified, lips parted slightly and he notices that her hands are the ones that are shaking now. She isn’t standing as close to him and their fingers are no longer intertwined. “Jason, we’re heroes,” she says, voice barely a whisper. “We have to help the gods.”

“Not if I don’t want to. Look at what they’ve done to us. Look at what they did to _Leo._ ”

At the sound of Leo’s name, Piper flinches. “He sacrificed himself, Jason. It was his decision and his decision alone. And he’s alive, he sent back that video.”

“No. If Leo was given the choice, he wouldn’t have died. He would have stayed alive. The only reason he died is because the gods can’t protect themselves and expect us to die for them. And we don’t know if he’s still alive. He hasn’t come back to us. For all we know, he’s still dead. I won’t let us be the next Leo. I can’t.”

He doesn’t realize how much his words hurt until he sees Piper’s eyes well up with tears. For a second, he’s worried that she’ll yell or worse, try to go back into the Labyrinth, but she doesn’t. She does something that worries him more than anything else she could have done— she turns around and walks away.

* * *

Piper tries to stay in contact with him for a few weeks after the Burning Maze incident. She Iris Messages him every few days but every time he sees her, he’s reminded of the cruel fate the gods handed to him. They love each other yet the gods can’t stand to keep Jason happy, so they tore their relationship apart. He can’t engage in conversations and makes excuses to end the IM early. Seeing her face reminds him of what the Sybil said and he can’t stand to talk to her as if everything is okay. She picks up on this and their talks dwindle. Eventually, she stops trying altogether.

He isn’t sure which hurts worse, talking to her or not talking to her.

As the days drag on, his dreams are plagued with hypotheticals: what if he didn’t kill Krios on Mount Othrys? What if he didn’t free Hera from her cage? What if he didn’t let Leo put Gaea back to sleep? Each morning he wakes up with electricity buzzing through his body and he’s more certain that the gods have done more harm than good. No sixteen year old should be suffering from PTSD. But he is.

Thalia catches on that Jason and Piper broke up, but she doesn’t try and pry for the truth. If she can sense how her brother is spiraling, she also doesn’t ask about it. Maybe it’s because she’s had her own run of blaming the gods for her problems. She stops by his dorms once and even though it’s the most authentic conversation Jason’s had in months, it feels wrong. Here she is, someone who was turned into a tree in the name of the gods, serving a goddess. Nothing feels right. He wants to talk some sense into her but he’s afraid if he reveals his disdain for gods, Thalia will react how Piper did and that’s the last thing he wants to happen.

None of the days seem to matter until Jason’s pulled out of class one day.

He’s sitting in class one day when the door opens. He looks up from his copy of _Julius Caesar_ and sees Piper’s face. Blinking, he can feel his heart sink in his chest as she charmspeaks his teacher into releasing him early. If she’s here, charmspeaking a teacher, Apollo must have come.

Jason picks up his books as if he’s in a trance. He leaves the room and the door closes behind him.

“Jason—”

“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t sound friendly. It almost shocks him how unsettled he sounds.

Piper blinks in surprise. She gestures to the curly-haired boy and the girl with cropped black hair who stand beside her. “This is—”

“Apollo and Meg McCaffrey.” Jason’s hand grips his books a little tighter than he intends to. “I know.”

Apollo looks at Piper, his eyebrows pulling together. “He doesn’t sound too thrilled to see us.”

Jason wishes he can punch the god in the face. He considers it since Apollo’s trapped in a mortal’s body, but he knows the god won’t be too forgiving when he gains his godhood back.

Piper’s eyes nervously scan the hallway. “Can we go somewhere a little more private? Maybe your dorm?”

The last thing Jason wants to do is let a god into his dorm. His new normal. But Piper’s looking at him with her big brown eyes and he’s a goner.

“Sure,” he agrees halfheartedly. “Come on.” As he turns to head down the hallway, he tries to ignore how Piper looks worriedly after him.

They don’t have much trouble making it to his dorm. When they run into someone, Piper just charmspeaks them into thinking that this is normal. But this is not normal and Jason’s vision is tinged with red and he’s never hated anyone as much as he hates Apollo.

As soon as they reach the dorm, Jason’s can feel the nervous energy radiating off his three guests. He recalls what the Sybil told him in the Burning Maze and his hand shakes as he opens the door to his dorm.

The first thing Piper asks is, “Where are your blueprints for the temples?”

Jason doesn’t answer her. He sets his books down on his nearly empty desk, feeling Piper’s gaze burn holes into the back of his head.

As if Apollo can sense the tension in the room, he says, “Leo’s on a mission right now. At Camp Jupiter. Alive. Well.”

Every outlet in the room emitted sparks. Meg’s eyes widen and Jason feels his breath get caught on his throat.

 _Alive. Well._ Even though Jason should feel relief, he’s more bitter than ever— if the gods had done their own bidding, there would have never been the speculation surrounding Leo’s wellbeing in the first place.

“He’s alive, Jason,” Piper says gently. “I’d say he’s okay, but none of us are really okay right now.”

Jason stays silent. If what the Oracle said is right, either he or Piper will die if they try to enter the Labyrinth again. Would they see Leo again if they did so? And if Apollo’s here now, the future is fast approaching.

Piper must sense that Jason isn’t going to say anything about Leo’s status. She leans against the wall, crossing her arms. “We’re here about the Burning Maze.”

“Figured.” Jason stares down at the cover of _Julius Caesar_ and wishes he was still in the classroom. “I reached the Sybil when I went in there.”

“You told me you didn’t find anything.” Piper’s tone is like a punch in the gut.

“I know.”

“You said you found _nothing._ ”

“I know.” Jason meets her eyes and sees the accusation written all over her face. “She was chained. I couldn’t reach her.”

“Her name is Herophile,” Apollo chimes in softly.

“Thanks.” Apollo seems to recoil at the edge in Jason’s voice. “She said that the maze is a trap made for Apollo. She told me that you would come eventually. There wasn’t anything for me to do except wait. Apollo is the only one who can free her.”

Piper’s jaw is clenched. Jason knows she isn’t angry; she’s hurt. Betrayed. She looks how Jason feels when he thinks about the gods. Her expression hurts almost as much as he hurt when the Sybil told him that one of them would die.

“Did Herophile say anything else?” Piper asks emotionlessly.

“She said that…” Jason exhales. “Apollo needs a pair of shoes or something. Then he can find the emperor. That doesn’t make sense.”

“But it does.” Apollo looks grim.

“But what about the emperor?” Meg asks. “Can’t we kill him while we steal his shoes? Did the Sybil say anything about that?”

Jason shakes his head. “She told me that Piper and I couldn’t do anything alone. Apollo has to do the rest. It would be too dangerous if we tried alone.”

Piper laughs and the sound doesn’t sit well with Jason. It’s brittle and shaky, almost as if she wants to cry. “You lied to me, and for _what_? We faced Gaea and survived, Jason. We’ve almost died so many times and you lied to me anyway. Were you trying to protect me? To prevent me from going after Caligula?”

“I know you would’ve done it.” He doesn’t want to tell her the truth.

“It would’ve been _my_ decision. Mine alone.”

“I knew there wasn’t anything we could do without Apollo. We would’ve been wandering in that maze for nothing, Piper.”

“Yeah, well, this is a lot bigger than you trying to protect me. Or _us_ , for that matter.” She sounds bitter and he doesn’t blame her. There’s a new light in her eyes that Jason doesn’t recognize. Maybe this is the new her— she’d told him before they stopped talking that because of the Triumvirate, she has to move back to Oklahoma with her dad. She’s been tested too many times. If he’s changed, so has she. “Satyrs and dryads are dying. Caligula is planning to replace Apollo as the new sun god. Something big is going to strike Camp Jupiter, and Medea is in the maze—”

“Medea?” Jason asks. “She’s involved?”

“Yeah. Some prophecy that says bodies will fill the Tiber. Also got a cooking project with my grandpa. It’s fantastic.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“None of us did.”

Meg doesn’t seem to understand the tension like Apollo did. She looks at Jason with crossed arms and asks, “Are you going to help us or not?”

Jason stares at the younger girl. He can’t believe Piper brought them to him when he explicitly told her that he’s done helping the gods. Maybe she believes in him in a way he doesn’t believe in himself anymore. It doesn’t matter; she gave the god false hope.

“No.”

That isn’t the answer Apollo is expecting. “Alright, Piper, can you excuse Jason for the rest of the—” His eyes suddenly widen and he swivels his head to stare at Jason in shock. “Wait. Did you say no?”

“I’m not helping the gods anymore. Not after everything that’s happened to me and my friends.”

Meg looks like she’s at a loss for words. “But… Jason, you have to.”

“I don’t have to do anything for the gods anymore.”

Apollo looks ready to argue and Meg looks like she wants to throw a tantrum. But Jason’s eyes only focus on Piper. Despite everything she’s been through, she’s managed to force a smile. She’s already lost so much, but for the first time, she looks as though she’s lost all hope.

“Can you give me and Jason some alone time?” It isn’t a question; it’s a demand. She’s not charmspeaking but her voice is so heartbreaking that it might be more persuasive.

Meg’s cheeks turn pink and before she can say anything, Apollo nods stiffly. He grabs her arm and nearly drags her out of the dorm, shutting the door behind them.

Piper steps closer to him. If Jason really wanted to, he could easily reach forward and hold her hand. He wishes that things were different.

“What’s going on? Why are you like this?” she asks raggedly. “This isn’t you, Jason. I thought…” Her voice breaks and she clears her throat. “I thought that some time away from me and my mess would help you heal. I thought that you were just so angry over Leo that you needed time to think things through. But you aren’t getting better.”

“Why are you helping Apollo, Piper?”

She looks taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“He did this to himself.”

“You were the one who confronted Zeus about his punishment on Olympus! I thought that if anyone wanted to help him, it’d be you.”

“That was before Leo died.”

“It all comes back to Leo.” Piper shakes her head. “Did you not hear us? Leo is alive.”

“Alive and risking everything to help Camp Jupiter.”

“You know, at some point, you’d be the one to help Camp Jupiter. That was your home once. I thought in a way it still was your home.”

“I can’t help Apollo.”

“What did the Sybil really tell you?” Piper swallows and stares at him with her unrelenting fiery gaze. This look is something he used to admire, the way she never backs down from a fight, how she can make the enemy crack with just a look. When he thought the gods were fair and just, he admired this look. Now she turns it on him and he can understand why the enemies crack under pressure.

“I told you.”

“You’re hiding something. I might not know who you are anymore, but I know when you’re not telling me the whole truth.”

He has a feeling that if he doesn’t tell her, she’ll be stubborn and still seek Caligula out. His hands are shaking again and he pushes his glasses away to pinch the bridge of his nose. “If you go after the emperor, you might die.”

She takes a step back, eyes widening. “What are you talking about?”

“Herophile told me that if we try to go after the emperor, one of us is going to die.”

“We’ve faced worse and lived.”

“This is a Sybil. Someone who can see the future. If Herophile says one of us will die if we help Apollo, it’s the truth.”

The blood drains from Piper’s face. For a moment, he’s worried she’s going to be sick or faint, but she seems to get a grip. “We’ve stuck it to prophecies before, Jason. Leo was supposed to die and he came back. There are ways we can avoid this. If we got the Physician’s Cure, we can find another loophole. Maybe there’s another antidote, or a—”

“Piper, this death will be _it._ ” This time, he’s the one who steps closer to her. “We don’t have to help the gods. Apollo meddled with the last war and look at him now.”

Her bottom lip trembles. “We’re stronger than this. We’ve survived worse.”

“You have a chance to get away from here, Pipes. You have a chance to build a real relationship with your dad. You can ignore the gods and live a normal life. You can say no to Apollo. What have the gods done for you?”

“They brought you to me.” Her eyes are welling with tears now.

An agonizing silence settles between them.

“I thought being here would help you heal,” she says thickly. “I—I don’t understand. I tried to talk to you. I saw you spiraling and I _tried_ to help. But you pushed me away. And now I don’t even recognize you. You were the boy who agreed to build temples for the gods. You were good, Jason.”

“Then Leo died.”

“Where are the temple blueprints?”

“I burned them.”

She closes her eyes and covers her face with her hands. For a few moments, she’s silent and if not for her shaking hands, he would’ve guessed Khione froze her to the very spot. When she pulls her hands away, her eyes are red.

“When did you decide that we aren’t friends anymore?” she asks and her voice breaks his heart all over again. “That you can’t talk to me? When did you decide that I’m not here for you?”

He doesn’t know how to answer. He loves her more than anything he’s ever loved before but being alone with her is one of the most painful things he’s ever had to endure. This is the girl who might be torn from him if she goes after Caligula, and he’d be stupid to think she isn’t thinking about it.

“Please don’t go.” It’s his turn to whisper. “I can’t fight for the gods anymore. I know you want to, but if you go, there’s a real chance you’re going to die.”

“That’s always a risk.” She wipes her face with the back of her hand. “When has that stopped any of us?”

“I mean it. I couldn’t tell you what the Sybil said because I knew you’d go after Caligula no matter what. I lost Leo. If I lose you…” His voice falters and he can’t bring himself to imagine what he would do if he lost Piper. Other than Thalia, she’s the one gift from the gods that he actually appreciates.

“I can’t lose you, either.” She bites down on her bottom lip to stop the trembling.

For a moment, he isn’t sure what to do. But he sees the way her shoulders slump and she wordlessly opens her arms. He nearly dives into them, engulfing her in a hug.

She’s shaking. She seems smaller than he remembers and he savors every second of the hug.

“Promise me you won’t go,” Jason murmurs. “I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t survive. I’ll _really_ hate the gods if you die.”

Piper’s body stiffens and she pulls away. Her hands remain on his shoulders and his easily settle on her waist. This makes him feel whole again. _This_ is the Jason and Piper he remembers— the effortless bond, the comfort. But she’s crying and he’s so scared that he wants to hug her forever.

“I won’t go.” She nods once and he feels heat pool in his chest. “Apollo and Meg have all the information they need. They know they need the emperor’s shoes.”

“You’re not going?” His heart skips a beat because maybe, just maybe, Herophile is wrong.

“We can’t let each other die.” She tries for a half-smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we have to let the gods fight their own wars for once.”

She turns to leave. He wants to hold her again, to apologize for the mess he’s made of things, but he’s frozen in the middle of his dorm. Even if she doesn’t go after Caligula, they’re demigods; there’s a very real chance that if she goes to Oklahoma, he’ll never see her again.

“Piper?”

“What?” She looks at him and her brown eyes render him silent. She could break his heart all over again and she would still be the only one to make him a weak man.

“I…” He trails off. He wants to tell her that he loves her. Every fiber in his being burns with the three words caught in his throat because if he says it, he’s sure that she won’t handle it well. They’re not together, anyway.

Piper blinks heavily and she looks like she’s going to cry again. “I know,” she whispers. With another parting glance, she leaves his dorm and shuts the door behind her.

* * *

Jason tries to do some reading when he’s left alone.

His dyslexia is acting up more than usual. Each time he looks at the clock, it seems only seconds are passing. He swears he can still smell Piper’s shampoo after their hug but she’s far gone at this point. Far gone to Malibu.

For some reason, he has to convince himself that she listened to him. He has to convince himself that she kept her promise and is going home to stay safe. This is Piper he’s talking about; if she were to listen to anyone, she’d listen to Jason.

But then again, when did Piper McLean take orders from anyone?

It takes all of an hour for Jason to jump up from his bed. He’s in a sudden panic, grabbing his sword from where it had been tucked away beneath his bed. By the time he runs out of his dorm, he realizes he has no way to get to Malibu. He bursts out of the dormitory building and stands outside, uncertainty flooding his mind.

He has no proof that Piper actually went after Caligula. It’s just a feeling and for all he knows, he could be wrong. They’ve drifted apart the past several months. Maybe she isn’t so stubborn and hellbent on stopping the emperor.

Yet there’s the doubt filling his chest because there’s still the possibility that she lied and is helping Apollo.

He’s desperate at this point. It’s a gamble, but he sticks two fingers in his mouth and whistles. (Something Percy taught him to do months ago.) He wills himself to channel his energy to the sky above him, imagining the wind and the clouds obeying his orders…

For once, things to work in his favor. A wind spirit descends from the clouds and he almost laughs in relief when it’s Tempest.

“Am I glad to see you, buddy,” he tells the ventus, not wasting any time climbing on. He doesn’t realize how terrified he is until he sits atop Tempest, knowing that things could be deathly wrong. “I need to get to Piper.”

Jason isn’t sure if Tempest knows where Piper is, but the horse takes off. He shuts his eyes and tries to swallow the bad taste forming in his mouth because his instincts are screaming at him.

_How could I be so stupid and let her go?_

It takes too long for Tempest to stop running.

Somehow Tempest knew where the McLean mansion is. Jason scrambles off, his sword sheathed at his side. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears and he looks out across the ocean. There seems to be nothing out of the ordinary. Before he can turn around and head inside, his eyes drift to the beach.

There are three bodies on the beach below.

Jason turns his back to the house and doesn’t waste time running. He wills the air to lift him up, flying until his feet hit the sand a few feet away from the people.

He doesn’t acknowledge Apollo’s blood-stained shirt or the fact that the god is shaking. He doesn’t acknowledge how scared Meg looks. All he can focus on is Piper lying on the sand.

Her jaw is swollen, blotchy with purple and red. It’s broken, Jason can tell even from several feet away. Her shirt is soaked with blood and he can see at least two fletchings from arrows sticking out of her side. The wounds have stained the sand beneath her red. There’s a bigger wound, a huge bloody spot on her back. She’s more blood and bruises than she is anything else.

“—nothing you can do,” Meg is telling Apollo as Jason approaches. “She’s dead.”

A choking sound escapes Jason’s throat and both of them whip their heads around to look at him.

“Jason!” Apollo sounds as if he’s been crying, his eyes bloodshot. He’s hovering over Piper’s body, his own hands covered in her blood. “I—I tried, we all tried, but Piper—” Jason’s whole vision blurs— “tried to charmspeak Medea, and Caligula hit her and she fell. I tried, Jason, I really tried, but Piper tried to defend us and there were arrows everywhere and she got hit. I don’t know how she was still standing but she tried to tell me to leave. That’s when Caligula stabbed her and the entire yacht was crumbling apart and we all fell overboard and—”

Jason closes the distance between him and Piper. Apollo moves away and Jason collapses on the sand. He reaches forward and brushes a strand of hair from her face, which is still swollen from her broken jaw. He can’t even imagine how hard Caligula must have hit her for this much damage to be done. Her skin is cool beneath his fingertips. Her lips are purple, her top lip split open. It’s stopped bleeding, which is normal for when someone dies.

Piper is dead.

As he strokes her hair, he curses the gods. Each and every one of them, especially Apollo and Zeus. If not for them, none of this would be happening. Piper has lost everything and to top it off, she lost her life. She knew very well that helping Apollo was a death sentence and she went regardless because she was a hero who still believed in the gods. She had faith in the Olympians and died because of it.

He waits for the grief to hit. But it doesn’t. He’s numb, so unbelievably numb. It’s like he’s in a dream. Nothing feels real.

The wind is picking up around him. Storm clouds are brewing above his head and lightning strikes several hundred feet away. Some grains of sand are picked up with the wind. Waves are crashing to shore and spraying sea mist across the rocks. He can feel the pressure in his stomach, signaling that he’s the one to blame for this weather. This means he has to feel _something,_ but he’s so fucking numb that he can’t put the pieces together.

“Jason.” Apollo’s voice is on the edge of a yell to be heard above the roaring winds and the sound of the waves. “I’m so sorry. The Sybil warned you and by not going, you left her—”

“ _Fix her!_ ” Jason’s voice drowns out the sound of the wind. He looks up from Piper’s battered face and locks eyes with the god. “Do something! Don’t just stand there! She died for you!” He can’t handle the truth; by refusing to help, he sentenced Piper to death.

Apollo shakes his head and swallows. He looks ready to burst into tears. “I can’t!” he wails. “I can’t bring the dead back, Jason. I’m a mortal.”

“The Physician’s Cure. There has to be another vial! There—”

“There isn’t.” Apollo’s lips tremble. “I—I can’t do anything. She’s dead.”

Jason looks back to Piper’s face. If she was alive, he knows her split lip would scar and match his. She always loved his scar and she would have one to rival his.

 _Saying_ was _when referring to Piper is weird,_ Jason thinks numbly.

“She knew what she had to do,” Apollo continues. “She knew that she had to help me find Caligula, and—”

“She didn’t know any better!” Jason yells, his voice echoing across the beach. The wind keeps getting stronger around him. “She was brainwashed into thinking that her only purpose in life was to serve the gods!” The only emotion he allows himself to feel now is anger. If he allows the grief to hit, he’s scared of what his powers will do.

“She was a hero!” Apollo’s voice breaks. He’s feeling everything Jason refuses to face. “That’s what heroes do, Jason! Heroes die! Name a hero other than Perseus who lived a long and happy life.”

No other names come to mind. Jason continues to stroke Piper’s hair.

“She wasn’t a warrior as long as you have been,” Apollo says, his voice almost carried away by the wind. His damp hair flutters in the breeze. “She wasn’t as beat down as you are. She never lost faith in the gods like you did. Caligula is bigger than all of us and she sacrificed herself to give us a leg up. She believed that something can be done about the emperors. That’s the tragic thing about heroes, brother. They never have a happy ending.”

Jason’s vision blurs and he has to choke back a sob.

Apollo touches Jason’s arm. The god looks heartbroken, something Jason never thought he would see. A god mourning over a hero. “Jupiter may be indifferent to your pain, but other gods aren’t,” Apollo murmurs thickly. “Don’t blame the Olympians for our father’s mistakes, Jason. The world is broken and it’s a hero’s job to put it back together again. The world is broken and in pain and it’s our job to fix it. It was Piper’s job.”

When Jason looks back to Piper, he grapples with this new revelation. His father may not care, but that doesn’t mean the others aren’t grieving. Apollo is reminding him why he used to fight on the side of the gods.

_If I had just stopped blaming the gods, maybe she would still be alive._

Before Jason can think of something to say, someone shouts, “Piper!” over the wind.

Jason’s blood runs cold because he recognizes the voice right away: Tristan McLean.

“Pipes, do you see the storm?” Tristan is approaching from several yards away. His eyes are focused on the waves, oblivious to the fact that Jason is crouched beside his daughter’s lifeless body. “This wind is crazy, it’s way too dangerous to be out here now. Come inside, the waves are—” His voice falters as his eyes flicker to Piper’s body.

Apollo stands up straight, swallowing noisily. “Mr. McLean…”

“Pipes?” Tristan’s voice is hollow, empty. He looks just as numb as Jason feels. He stumbles forward and Jason immediately retracts. He sinks onto his knees, gently reaching down and touching her face.

“She was surfing,” Apollo explains shakily. “She, uh, was out here before the wind picked up.” He shoots Jason a panicked look, evidently expecting help. But Jason can’t tear his eyes away from Tristan, who is now cradling Piper’s head in his lap. “She hit the rocks.”

“But,” Tristan whispers, “she knows to avoid the rocks.”

“The wind is strong,” Meg offers softly. “It’s dangerous.”

Tristan strokes Piper’s hair and Jason can remember how he was doing that just moments before. He stares at his daughter’s face as if he isn’t sure what he’s looking at.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. McLean. We can call for help,” Apollo suggests.

If Tristan is listening, he doesn’t respond. But judging by the hazy look on his face, he isn’t all there.

“Jason…” Apollo looks at Jason with bloodshot eyes. “I—I have to go back into the Burning Maze. I have to—”

“ _GO!_ ” Jason allows the anger to return. He looks at Apollo and he winces at how the command is shaky. “Leave! This is your fault!”

Hurt flashes across Apollo’s features. He swallows again and he doesn’t move an inch. The expression on his face makes Jason regret the accusation for just one second.

Meg grabs Apollo’s hand and pulls him away. “Come on,” she orders, giving Jason a sad look before they turn away.

Jason looks back at Tristan. He’s still stroking Piper’s hair, whispering incoherent things below his breath. This is a man who lost his sanity, his reputation, his career, his assets, and now his daughter. Jason isn’t sure there’s a way to recover from that.

For the first time, Jason can see why his mom drank. It seems so much easier to lift up a bottle than to face reality, especially when reality with the gods is nothing but cruel. He remembers vowing to stay sober but all he wants now is to drink himself into oblivion. If he drinks enough, maybe he can forget the image of Piper’s body lying in the sand.

But Piper wouldn’t want him to drink himself to death, so he shuts that thought down right away.

Instead he sits there, painfully numb, wishing there’s a way to feel something, anything, as he watches a broken man trying to grasp the fact that his daughter (and the only girl Jason’s ever loved) is dead.

* * *

If Jason tries to remember how he got into the maze again, he wouldn’t be able to find a solid memory. One second he’s with Tristan and Hedge, who is trying to make sense of Piper’s death, and the next second he’s watching as Medea’s lifeless body falls into the pool of ichor.

Maybe this is the grief trying to work its way around the numbness. Revenge. He looks at the blood on the edge of his sword and Medea’s screams are cathartic to him.

Hardly any of his time in the Labyrinth make sense to him. He can remember Meg mentioning something about the daughter of Bellona, which Jason automatically realizes is Reyna. As soon as he connects the dots that Reyna is going to be involved, the chamber begins to collapse. Once they’re safe outside of the Labyrinth, he can hardly remember escaping in the first place.

Apollo asks if he’s okay. He isn’t sure how to answer that. How can he be okay in a world where Piper is dead and he is the reason behind it? There are no gods to point fingers at this time. Herophile said either he or Piper would die and he counted himself out the moment he decided he was no longer an ally of the Olympians. If he had gone into the maze, there was a chance he could have been the one to die.

If he could go back in time, he would be the one to face Caligula. Not Piper.

Grover decides to go back to Camp Half-Blood, but not before he gives Jason a pitiful look. He leaves them a Mercedes and they head to Santa Monica.

The entire ride there, Jason tries to feel something. He feels nothing.

They arrive at a private airfield in Santa Monica. Jason numbly gets out of the car and sees Hedge standing several feet away.

“How are you doing, son?” Hedge asks gruffly. Even though he’s trying to be tough, Jason can see that the old goat’s eyes are red. He’s been crying. Jason should be crying.

Jason ignores Hedge’s question because he isn’t sure how to answer it. “Where’s Tristan?” he asks instead.

“On the plane with Mellie and Chuck.” Hedge sniffles loudly. “We’re, uh, leaving for Oklahoma tonight instead. With the body. They’re burying her next to Grandpa Tom.”

Even though most warriors would want to burn with a shroud, Jason can’t deny how fitting that her final resting place is beside the grandfather she always spoke about. That is the place she would have wanted to stay forever.

_Why can’t I feel anything?_

“Meg and I have to get to Camp Jupiter,” Apollo says. “Somehow. As soon as possible.”

Hedge frowns. “Well, I don’t know how—”

From several yards behind Jason’s back, he can hear something metallic moving above his head. Something heavy touches down on the ground and he turns around.

There’s a metal dragon on the runway.

Before Jason can piece anything together, someone is running towards him. He blinks and he feels as though he’s staring death straight in the face. Because the metal dragon isn’t just a metal dragon, it’s Festus, which means—

“Hey, guys!” Leo is grinning from ear to ear, stopping right in front of Jason. He looks around and suddenly his smile doesn’t seem so effortless. He’s taking into account Hedge’s bloodshot eyes, Apollo’s slouched shoulders, and the way Jason won’t meet his eyes. “Where—where’s Piper?”

For some reason, hearing Leo say her name is the breaking point. A switch inside of Jason’s mind flips and he stumbles forward, all the pain and grief slamming into his chest like it’s a train. Leo may be short, but he’s strong, holding Jason upright as he slumps into his shorter friend’s arms. He’s crying and he’s no longer numb.

“No.” Leo’s knees buckle and the two of them sink to the ground. Leo hugs Jason with a ferocity that, if possible, could bring Piper back to life. “No, no, no, _no._ ”

“I didn’t even see it happen,” Jason manages out between sobs. “I refused to go after Caligula because the Sybil told me that one of us would die. I—I hated the gods because of what they did to you. To us. I didn’t go to make a point and she died because of it.”

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” Leo’s words are hardly coherent as he cries. “I thought I had time. I—I thought—”

“I know.” His mind flashes back to when she told him that there was a possibility for them to have another chance at being together in the future. Even if there had been a chance, it’s gone now.

Jason isn’t sure how long they sit there for. It could have been hours. Days. Years. The emperors could have wiped out the entire earth and he wouldn’t have cared. His world has ended anyway. With Piper gone, he doesn’t see a world worth living in.

“It should have been me,” Jason croaks. “Her dad lost everything, Leo. Now Piper’s gone. He doesn’t have anything left. I should have gone.”

“Stop.” Leo hiccups and he finally pulls away from the embrace to look at Jason. His face is blotchy from crying so hard, his eyes bright red. “You wanting to take her place won’t bring her back.”

“But—”

“No.” Leo’s face eerily reminds Jason’s of Tristan’s. He looks like he just lost a piece of himself. In a way, he did. He and Piper had been connected at the hip for two years. They were each other’s other half. “The gods have done messed up shit. Right now, I hate them so much. I hate them for taking her away. I hate them for everything they did to us. I _hate_ them, Jason. But we both know Piper would’ve gone regardless. She doesn’t listen to anyone except for herself.”

That makes Jason cry harder. He’d been foolish enough to believe that she’d listen to him. If Leo had taken his place, maybe Piper would still be alive.

Then again, would Piper have listened to Leo?

Leo hauls himself to his feet, helping Jason stand as well. Both of them are shaky. Even though Jason feels as though his entire world has crumbled down around him, this is infinitely better than feeling nothing.

“Has anyone told Annabeth?” Leo asks, wiping his eyes.

A chilly silence settles over the group.

“Nobody’s told Annabeth?” Leo’s eyes widen. “Gods. She’s not going to take this well.”

Jason doesn’t want to even think about how Annabeth will react. While he had been numb, he knows the blonde will not be so emotionless.

“And I have to tell Lacy and Mitchell…” Leo exhales heavily and pinches the bridge of his nose. When he speaks, he sounds like he’s about to cry again. “Hedge, can I borrow your phone? I need to call Annabeth.”

“Of course.” Hedge hands Leo his phone and puts a hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too, Hedge.” They lock eyes and Jason pretends not to see their tears. “Thank you.”

As Leo steps away to call Annabeth, Hedge turns to Apollo. “What are you going to do about Camp Jupiter?”

“I don’t know.” Apollo looks at Meg, who shrugs. “I mean, we can always catch a bus. Or a train. Or something.”

“Would take too long,” Meg murmurs.

“We’re kinda limited on our options.” Apollo sighs and looks at Jason. “Any ideas?”

“No.” Jason’s voice is dry from crying. His hands are shaky. Even if he felt the need to cry again, he’s not sure he’d be able to. He’s out of tears. “Sorry.”

“Yeah.” Apollo’s shoulders hang even lower than before, if that’s possible. “It’s okay. Worth a shot.”

Hedge looks at Jason. “What about you?” he asks gently. Coach Hedge usually never speaks with a soft tone and it’s unnerving to hear now. “Where are you going to go?”

Jason wants to answer, he really does. There’s just no response. He’s not sure where he’s going. He doesn’t think he can go back and try to be normal at the boarding school again. Then again, he isn’t sure if he can do anything normally again now that Piper is gone.

“I don’t know,” Jason whispers. “I wish I knew.”

Hedge reaches over and squeezes Jason’s arm. He doesn’t say anything and for several agonizing minutes, nobody speaks. If Piper was here, she would’ve offered up some words of wisdom.

Everything seems so much quieter already.

Leo walks back over and he’s crying harder than he was before. He hands the phone back to Hedge and wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Um, Annabeth is going to head to Camp Half-Blood. She’s gonna design a shroud so we can give Piper a proper hero’s burial. We—we really need that. She deserves that much.”

Jason nods and blinks back the influx of tears that threaten to overflow. “Okay. Does it matter that her body’s going to Oklahoma?”

“No. It’s for us.” Leo clears his throat. “We can go to Oklahoma after we burn her shroud if that’s okay with you.”

“That’d be great.” It sounds so wrong to use everyday language when discussing Piper’s funeral but there isn’t anything else for him to say. “We just need to give her dad some time.”

“Of course.” Leo bites down on his trembling bottom lip.

Another silence settles over them until Apollo speaks up. “You’re headed to Camp Half-Blood?”

“Yeah.” Leo focuses his gaze on the god. “No point in going back to Camp Jupiter. They sustained heavy losses last night.”

“Caligula’s on his way there. I need to get there to warn Reyna.”

“Leo will take you.” Jason speaks before he can think things through.

Leo looks confused. “I will?”

“You will.”

“I thought we were going to Camp Half-Blood.”

Jason swallows back the lump forming in his throat. “It won’t take long to drop them off. I can wait, you drop them off and come back and then we can head to Long Island.”

“Um,” Leo’s eyes flicker to Apollo, “I can do that.”

Apollo looks stunned as he looks at Jason. “Why offer to help?” he asks slowly. “I’m a god. You have made it quite clear that you don’t want to help us anymore.”

That is true. Jason blames the gods for everything that’s happened to him. He blames them for what happened to Piper. But he also remembers what Apollo told him— he can’t blame all the gods for what his father has done. Apollo wouldn’t have asked for help if he didn’t need it. The grief had been perfectly clear on Apollo’s face.

And even if Jason wants to hate the gods, Piper wouldn’t want this bitterness to control his life. She died to save the world. She wouldn’t want him to turn his back on the gods. After all, they were the ones that brought Jason to Piper. Their time together had been short but worth it.

“I’m not doing it for you,” Jason answers truthfully. “I’m doing it for her.”

Awareness dawns in Apollo’s eyes. “I understand.” He nods once. “I’m sorry for your loss, my young brother. Piper McLean died a hero. If it means anything to you, when I regain my godhood, I will never forget what she did for me.”

Jason is stunned into silence as Apollo walks away with Meg. They head towards Festus.

Leo faces Jason with a grim look on his face. “I should only be a few hours,” he says. “Will you be okay?”

 _No._ That’s what Jason wants to say. He’s not sure he will ever be okay again. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Leo must see straight through Jason’s bluff but doesn’t comment on it. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.” He walks away and heads towards Festus. Jason watches them until the great metal dragon lifts up into the sky and flies off.

“Do you need anywhere to stay until Valdez comes back?” Hedge asks, looking at Jason with a worried expression on his face.

“I’ll wait here.” Jason shrugs. “I could use some time alone.”

If Hedge disagrees with the comment, he doesn’t say anything. He sighs and walks towards the plane.

Jason doesn’t wait until the plane takes off. He doesn’t want to think about Piper’s body flying away from him. That fact is enough to break his heart all over again.

He walks until he hits the beach. He wanders onto the sand and sits down, trying to ignore the mental image in his mind of Piper’s blood staining the sand. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to fully recover from what he went through.

His last words to her would never be enough. He tried to tell her that he loved her but he wasn’t able to force the words off the tip of his tongue. He hates himself for it and he wishes that his last words were that phrase he was too scared to say. _I love you._ He loves her… loved her. He would never stop loving her.

Thinking _loved_ feels wrong. It makes it sound as though she was nothing but a dream. But death brings a new reality that requires the past tense to be used.

He loves her present tense even if she could only love him past tense.

She knew, though. Of course she knew. And even though she didn’t say it back, her acknowledging it was enough. He knew that she loved him too. Even if they weren’t together in her final few months, they loved each other, which is the worst part of this. They loved each other more than words can describe yet their problems got in the way.

He hates himself a little more with each passing thought.

In the dim light, he can see the sea mist forming colors in the sky. He squints and there it is: a rainbow. A small one, but it’s there. It’s probably impossible for a rainbow to be there in the failing light but maybe Iris is helping out. Maybe she sensed Jason’s misery and granted him a rainbow.

He numbly digs the drachma from his pocket. He always has one on him just in case. He stands and approaches the rainbow, taking a shaky breath as he throws his drachma into the rainbow. It disappears. For a second, he wonders who to call. Percy? Annabeth? Reyna?

There’s only one person Jason can talk to about Piper right now. If he were to speak to anyone else, he’s not sure he’d be able to keep himself together. He could kiss the last of his sanity goodbye if he speaks to the wrong person.

“O Iris, Goddess of the Rainbow, show me Thalia Grace.”

**Author's Note:**

> **I know you were trying to help  
>  But you're only making it worse  
> Tell me that I shouldn't blame myself  
> But you can't even imagine how badly it hurts  
> Just to think sometimes  
> How I think almost all the time **
> 
> This plot is inspired by Grey's Anatomy (season 14), hence some of the dialogue is taken straight from there. This was an experience to write and I hope you all enjoyed it (or not). It definitely was challenging to write but overall I think this is the best thing I've ever written, and saddest.
> 
> Shoutout to Emma, Tiff, and Dan because I forced them to suffer with me during this so thanks! Here it is!
> 
> Thanks for reading I hope y'all are sad now like me! To check out more of my stuff I have a few other stories on here and my tumblr is jasonsmclean :)


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